Category: Non-Fiction

  • Cold Crushed: Why We Can’t Lose Denver’s Premier Hip Hop Club

    Cold Crushed: Why We Can’t Lose Denver’s Premier Hip Hop Club

    By Ru Johnson

     

    Just before Tyrone “TJ” Adair was gunned down just outside the patio at Cold Crush, the atmosphere was like any other warm Sunday evening on “The Block,” the nickname given to the 2700 block of Larimer. The dance-club and art-bar was packed with Denver hip-hop fans, who had been loyally filling Cold Crush for years, as it was one of the few venues in the city where this culture was given a little room to breathe.

    A sort of hip-hop Mecca for the city, Cold Crush synergized an otherwise splintered community; here slam poets, gangsta emcees and radical activists could all come together under the holy gospel of breakbeats.

    An altercation between Adair and an unnamed guest began on the patio, then quickly spilled out onto the sidewalk, ending with Adair dead of a gunshot wound. This tragic death would go on to divide this once solid community, leaving the future of Denver’s favorite hip-hop club hanging in the balance.

    Cold Crush became mired in troubles with the City Attorney in the wake of the murder investigation, leading to the controversial closing of the venue by officials and neighbors who considered it a “public nuisance.” Subsequent news stories highlighted the growing divide between hip-hop and the owners of Denver’s music venues (who often associated the genre with guns and drugs, and were reluctant to host concerts).

    Reporters from various news outlets called me directly, totally unclear about how to cover Cold Crush being shut down. I was a resource because I’m a member of the hip-hop community, and because I’ve become a quasi-liaison between the press and this scene since I published my first rap review in Denver Westword in 2009.

    They had no idea who to talk to get the full story of Adair’s presence and impact on the hip-hop community, and so most of the coverage was taken from a bird’s eye view. Writers who had never stepped foot in the location were covering the community rally in support of Cold Crush, lifting quotes that were published without attribution and circling the candlelight vigils like vultures hovering over their prey.

    I answered hurried emails from multiple writers who were doing the thing reporters do: crunching numbers, attempting to get the City Attorney on the phone, and doing their best to understand a culture alien to them, but which many of us live on the daily.

    It wasn’t until the writing of this story that I’ve given my formal opinion about Cold Crush and its importance to the hip-hop community.

    People like to mention Meadowlark and Larimer Lounge as the locations that first  created a music scene in the neighborhood, and that’s true with some segments of the populous, but for hip hop fans the opening of Cold Crush was a Denver game-changer: We now had a place to go that was a respite from the racist undertones that existed in other venues, where rap is tolerated but never welcomed.

    While many of us reeled from Adair’s murder and the trauma of being in a place where gunshots sent unexpected partygoers scattering, talent buyers and promoters for other venues patted themselves on the back in disgusting displays of “not in our bar, and not on my watch” smugness.

    One talent buyer told me directly they couldn’t book anything that was considered “rap or thug.” Already exhausted from these descriptions, it wasn’t worth it to debate anyone over it or try and explain the nuanced racism of this thinking to other reporters. And besides, Cold Crush was being shut down and labeled as a public nuisance, so we had bigger fish to fry.

    Additionally, hip-hop as the red-headed stepchild of the music scene was nothing new. Performers have been fighting and vying for a place of legitimacy in music scenes since the original Cold Crush Brothers (for whom the Denver club is named) came on the scene in 1970s Bronx. For decades rap has been seen as a commodified source of revenue, but rarely afforded a viable location, a consistent cathedral where the scene can develop its own expression and artful revolution.

    While Cold Crush owner Brian Mathenge (a hard numbers genius with a gruff, but generous personality) scrambled with his attorneys and staff to figure out a plan, the community got organized with a viral video dedicated to the unity found at Cold Crush. These efforts, combined with an acquiescence to program changes (no more dancing on the bar; ID scanners and pat-downs without exception) proved enough for the city to let Cold Crush open their doors once again.

    News trucks lined the streets for the first few days of the re-open, but none of the writers who crunched numbers, or asked for connections to Adair’s friends and families, returned to the bar. That was to be expected, but what surprised me was the absence of so many Cold Crush regulars, who couldn’t reconcile partying steps away from where Adair took his last breath, and began to associate the once-treasured club with gunshots and flashing police lights.

    In the months since Cold Crush’s return, the club has struggled to return to its former status as the hip hop Mecca of Denver.

    It’s hard to determine whether the central idea about the recent troubles from Cold Crush are about the fickle customers, or the nature with which hip-hop is treated in growing cities.

    Part of me wants to say it’s the spineless guests who don’t know how to stick it out when the chips are down, who made it hard for the club to reopen with its same vigor after Adair’s murder. Part of me wants to rail at the critics who are so hard on hip-hop but know nothing about the culture, and whose critical, racially inflammatory statements about Cold Crush did more harm than help.

    Still yet, part of me wants to blame the press and the obsession with tragic stories about black bodies, while ignoring the the years artistic beauty and community strengthening that happened at Cold Crush. I want people to understand the importance of having a place where hip-hop music is not only played but celebrated. Where the history of our culture graces the walls and the murals outside, and how important it is to have a black-owned business in an increasingly gentrifying neighborhood.

    Perhaps the troubles Cold Crush experienced are a study in human nature. A penchant for joyous devotion during the good times and reactionary conservatism during the bad. Or maybe it’s as simple as folks needing to work through the changes at their own pace.

    At any rate, the growing population in Denver continues to usher in more energies over time. New bodies have taken over the seats at the bar and some of the regulars have been lured back by the sounds of their favorite deejays paired with strongly poured spirits.

    Shortly after completing the first draft of this essay, the police announced they’d made an arrest in Adair’s murder (though naming him in these pages is not a priority of mine), and Cold Crush was again in the headlines. Unlike the weeks after that fateful night in October, though, the collective conversation feels more like a sigh of relief than a rallying cry for all hip-hop refugees to finally return home.

     

     

    Ru Johnson is a writer and founder of Roux Black Consulting who lives in Denver. Her writing has appeared in Denver Westword and The Denver Post with entertainment and hip-hop as the focus. A music lover and avid nail polish enthusiast, Ru believes art is the revolution and that if you stay ready, you won’t have to get ready.

     

     

  • At Home With A Ghost: Watching Harry Nilsson’s Voice Die

    At Home With A Ghost: Watching Harry Nilsson’s Voice Die

    By Sarah Kernochan

     

     

    1974 was the year RCA released House of Pain, my first album as a singer-songwriter. It was the year I loved and lost a man, so my songs poured out the sweet and the bitter in equal measure. Once I was done recording, I rolled up my sleeves to begin my new project: self-pitying, wine-soaked self-destruction. I had gotten off to an impressive start when I met Harry Nilsson.

    My album’s title song came from the Charles Laughton horror classic Island of Lost Souls. Laughton played a mad scientist grafting men to animals in his lab, which his unfortunate victims – now “manimals” – called “the House of Pain.” I spent my record advance making a weird short film to accompany the title track, including animation and clips from the horror film. This was before music videos. I urged RCA to use their newly developed video players to show the film in record stores, to see if it had any effect on my sales. They failed to see the point. However, the video did result in my meeting a long-adored idol.

    I was new to songwriting, and my early efforts didn’t fit any genre or show any other artist’s influence. However, if there was any singer-songwriter I worshipped, it was Harry Nilsson. His early album Harry (the one which brought him to the attention of the Beatles) captivated me, and then Nilsson Sings Newman (his perfectly distilled renderings of Randy Newman songs) tied the knot; every subsequent album found him defying prediction and exploring something completely new. Harry just suited me right down to the ground: his bizarre humor, his insouciance, his entwining of musical styles both quaint and contemporary, his impeccable taste in arrangements, his brilliantly layered background vocals and, above all, his gliding, golden voice.

    RCA was Nilsson’s longtime label. One late winter afternoon, on a visit from LA, Harry popped into the office of his product manager, who showed him my strange video. I happened to be next door with my own product manager when I was told Harry wanted to meet me.

    The following dawn, I remembered nothing. I had probably been out of body, and my body had apparently gone ahead and celebrated without me. My idol was standing by the hotel room window, smoking, and gazing at me sort of wistfully. He said he’d recently become enchanted with a young waitress from Ireland, who had gone back home but would rejoin him in LA in the spring. Now that he’d met me, he was feeling confused. I told him he didn’t actually have a problem, because I was going home, too. (My clothes smelled like the floor of a bar.)

    I didn’t expect to see Harry again, assuming that I had behaved as badly as I often did during blackouts, which were common enough for me in those 1970s days of wine and bloody noses. But it was a shame to have no memories to savor of my one night with Nilsson. I hadn’t even grabbed a hotel matchbook to prove to myself I’d been there. The RCA product managers knew more about what happened than I did. They were the ones to tell Harry, a few months later, that I was back in LA. They gave him my number.

    At 5 a.m., I was sleeping soundly on a bare mattress, the one piece of furniture in my West Hollywood sublet, except for a phone, which suddenly rang. In the blue light of this second dawn, I arrived at Harry’s La Cienega apartment, where I found him on the phone in hoarse conversation with his attorney. Flopped in an armchair was John Lennon. Harry was discussing the text of an apology to be delivered to someone, while John peered at him myopically (his glasses had been lost in a fistfight). Harry instructed his lawyer to send flowers with the apology, and hung up. It seems I had come on the scene right after Harry and John were thrown out of the Troubadour for brawling with the Smothers Brothers.

    John repaired to the guest bedroom. Harry downed a quart of milk and a couple of repulsive hoagies from the 7/11, and then fell asleep with his foot hanging off the bed, jiggling, still animated by all the cocaine and brandy he had ingested earlier. (“Ole Coke-foot,” I used to call him.) He favored Brandy Alexanders because the cream lined his stomach; thus the alcohol wasn’t absorbed, allowing him to drink more double Brandy Alexanders until the dawn like this one.

    Harry had introduced John to this noxious drink, which was also Ringo’s favorite. Now, Harry could hold his mud. No matter how much he drank, he seemed fine, mind sharp and words unslurred. Ever primed with witty banter and guile, he was a world class motormouth. He was also, as I was soon to learn, a raging alcoholic. And he was spurring John to commit brandy-kiri alongside him. John, for his part, was terrible at booze. Two drinks and the darkness fell; you never knew what demon was going to ride out of the murk.

    By now their escapades had hit the press. RCA was understandably anxious. John was supposed to produce Harry’s new album, Pussy Cats, with recording sessions to begin in two weeks. The word came down from the higher-ups: Harry and John needed to get out of LA, spend a weekend at a spa in Palm Springs, and dry out.

    Women were allowed on board. RCA must have thought we would act as nannies. This was not my strong suit. May Pang, on the other hand, didn’t mind being a minder. She was John’s new love, in the wake of his split with Yoko. She and I packed our weekend bags, jumped into our hot pants, and rode down to Palm Springs with our sick patients.

    I will not go into detail about that long and disorderly weekend. Suffice it to say, the boys took “dry out” to mean “no alcohol.” Nothing wet. That left drugs. And Palm Springs was dead boring. The sun was too bright. The shades got pulled down; calls to locate a dealer went out. Some white powder was scored. Perhaps it was coke. If so, it had been stepped on so many times that it was mostly suitable for babies with diaper rash. Whatever it was, Harry became more than usually loquacious. Hoarse to begin with, he talked and talked and talked until he was down to a rasp.

    A trip to the hospital ensued. He was handed some antibiotics, and told very sternly not to smoke, and to go on a complete voice rest for the rest of the weekend.

     

    Harry tried the pantomime thing for about four hours before he caved. Alcohol was restored to the menu. Swallowing the pills with cognac, he lit up a cigarette, and proceeded to talk. With a vengeance. He wouldn’t shut up. The rasp now sounded like he was gargling blood. Yet he talked on.

    And so I was present to witness the tragedy of Harry Nilsson willfully murdering his voice, that beautiful instrument I loved so much. It never really came back.

    I was back in New York when he and John arrived to finish Pussy Cats. I was horrified to hear Harry’s vocals. There was no trace of the swooping, heaven-kissed tenor he was born with. He sounded like he was being flayed alive. The album was one big drugged-out gangfuck of the ears.

    Meanwhile I was pulling away, for my own preservation. I lost my nerve, recognizing I had neither the stamina nor the capacity to keep up with this tireless, unending binge. Harry scared me. His attempts at self-destruction made my own look feeble.

    Besides, I had my second album to record, and Harry’s waitress was flying in from Ireland shortly. What should he do? Harry asked me. He was in love with two women. I told him he didn’t actually have a problem, because I was going home.

    I knew if I stayed with him, I was going to die. Instead, he died – twenty years later, in 1994. By then I was happily married (as was he, to his waitress) with one child (to his six). He hadn’t been sober for most of those years, so the news of his death from heart failure, while sad, came as no surprise to me.

    I hadn’t loved him, though I’d tried because he was a genius and I am partial to them. Nonetheless I was still and forever in love with his music. I mourned Nilsson’s death by playing his poignant “Turn On Your Radio”

    I don’t know where I’m goin’
    Now that I am gone
    I hope the wind that’s blowin’
    Helps me carry on
    Turn on your radio, baby
    Baby listen to my song
    Turn on your night light baby
    Baby I’m gone
                

    I’d said goodbye to him many years before, and fate had not arranged for us to run into each other since. This time I knew for certain I’d never see him again.

    But I did.

     

    *For the rest of this story, as well as other entries in Sarah Kernochan’s At Home With A Ghost memoir series, visit sarahkernochan.blogspot.com

     

    First catching the world’s attention for co-directing the Academy Award winning documentary Marjoe, renaissance woman Sarah Kernochan has lived a storied career as a musician, screenwriter, filmmaker and author. “It’s my way of being promiscuous,” she says. She won a second Oscar in 2002 for her documentary short Thoth (available on YouTube). Her writing credits include the films 9 1/2 Weeks, Impromptu, Sommersby and What Lies Beneath, and she is the author of the novels Dry Hustle and Jane Was Here. Her blog At Home With A Ghost, chronicling Kernochan’s history with spirits, has a large online following. Kernochan lives in New York with husband James Lapine. Check out her website at sarahkernochan.com

     

     

  • Three Women on Trump: Hope

    Three Women on Trump: Hope

    By Suzi Q. Smith

     

    I.      The Good Old Days

    “See, in the good old days this doesn’t happen, because they used to treat them very, very rough. And when they protested once, you know, they would not do it again so easily.”

    “You see, in the good old days, law enforcement acted a lot quicker than this, a lot quicker.  In the good old days, they’d rip him out of that seat so fast.”

    “We’re not allowed to punch back anymore. I love the old days — you know what they used to do to guys like that when they were in a place like this? They’d be carried out on a stretcher, folks.”

     

    II.      To-Do List: Preparing to Live in Trump’s America

    • Apply for your concealed carry permit No, violence will not solve this – they will always have more of it than you.
    • Make sure your daughter, your nieces, all of your darlings have access to birth control and a long-term plan – either not to have children, or to raise an unflinching army of them.
    • Double-check health insurance – will we still have it? For how long?
    • Learn your medicine. Take care of your teeth and bones and blood. You will need to sharpen them all.
    • Buy a gun. Buy several guns. No, now is the time for prayer – it is the only weapon that will work. They will always have more guns and they love the way your insides look when you wear them out.
    • Have you eaten today? Food made by hands that love your mouth? You must remember to eat.
    • Breathe. Breathe again.
    • Steady your shoulders and practice your aim. No, remember the order of succession: President, Vice President, Speaker of the House, Secretary of State . . .
    • Make something honest with your body every day.
      • An ark.
      • An afro.
      • A dress.
      • A song.
      • A stew.
      • A poem.
      • A prayer
      • A spell.
      • A belt.
      • A slingshot.
      • A howl.
      • A hurricane
    • Gather your tribes. Remember the places you have created to exist together; the landscapes in your chest where all of their names are written, the ledges within them offering you shelter. They are all still there. This is still the world.
    • Breathe.  Breathe again.

    III.      “We will be ourselves and free, or die in the attempt. Harriet Tubman was not our great-grandmother for nothing.” – Alice Walker

    I have survived the good old days.
    I have survived my own memories.
    I have survived 37 Colorado winters.

    I have survived poverty and its shame.
    I have survived a thousand closed doors and cages.
    I have survived my choices.

    I have survived seventh grade.
    I have survived bad hair and awkward clothes.
    I have survived beauty.

    I have survived weight, gained and lost.
    I have survived bodies, in mine and out.
    I have survived hands.

    I have survived loss.
    I have survived violence.
    I have survived my own attempts at murder.

    I have survived racism.
    I have survived single motherhood.
    I have survived statistics.

    I have survived patriarchy.
    I have survived men who pretend to know more about God than I do.
    I have survived phony gods.

    I have survived love.
    I have survived marriage.
    I have survived sin.

    I have survived forgiveness.
    I have survived divorce.
    I have survived my own worst impulses.

    I have survived unexpected knocks at the door and uninvited telephone calls.
    I have survived the police.
    I have survived the reasons I have called police.

    I have survived America.
    I will survive this.
    I will survive this.

     

     

    Poet and author Suzi Q. Smith has shared her work throughout the U.S., sharing stages with the late Gil Scott Heron, Nikki Giovanni, Talib Kweli, and many more over the years. Her work has appeared in Union Station Magazine, Suspect Press, Muzzle Magazine, Malpais Review, Peralta Press, and more. She likes her coffee with cinnamon and cayenne pepper.

     

     

  • Lady Lobster

    Lady Lobster

    By Josiah Hesse

     

     

    I didn’t care about the painting, but I sure pretended to.

    Still blinded after biking through a March blizzard, my eyes strained to focus on the painting as I entered the living room. I’d been out working as a dog walker all day, fighting through the snow drifts with expensive purebreds, and was exhausted by the time I got home that night. While I was out one of my roommates had taken it upon themselves to graffiti a painting of mine in the living room.

    There were twelve of us living together in that giant house, trading in basic necessities for the freedom of only paying a hundred bucks each in rent. There was no heat or hot water and a metropolis of mice lived behind the walls, but it afforded most of the residents the luxury of not having to work. They’d figured out how to make rent on their art, but I couldn’t lean into that kind of madness the way they could. I was a writer, and making money off of my sentences felt beyond me at the time. My bones craved the security of employment, which lead me to walking dogs in a blizzard.

    Several of my roommates never left the house, consuming pots of coffee and spliffs until dawn each night; painting, sculpting or writing themselves into a coma. Often their creative juices sprayed onto the walls, floors and ceiling, carving penis sculptures out of stairway banisters and drawing self portraits in their own blood on kitchen cabinets. This was all fine considering the landlord had no intention of ever setting foot in the house. But when someone drew the on my painting, I became hysterical.

    It wasn’t anything I cherished, just a cheap a portrait of young debutant titled “The Favorite.” The girl was poised and elegant, her hair pulled back into a clean bun while resting one arm on the iron railing of a bed. One of my ambitious roommates apparently thought that arm would look better as a big red lobster claw, and took it upon themselves to make the necessary changes.  

    No one would confess to doing it, but I simply wouldn’t let it go.

    I brought it up at every house meeting, the twelve of us circled around the fireplace for warmth, tossing in phone books stolen from the neighbor’s porch. I told them the painting was a birthday present from my ex-girlfriend, that she’d painted it as a self-portrait, and it was the only possession I truly cherished. Which was all bullshit, but they didn’t know that. Most of these people I’d met on Craigslist, and had only known them a few weeks.  

    It was true that I’d recently gone through a breakup, hence my living with a dozen strangers in a drafty mansion that was only an electric bill away from being considered a squat house. So I was probably just trolling for sympathy.

    I honestly couldn’t even remember how I came about the painting.

    More than that, I actually really loved what had been done to it.

    It went from being a hotel-hallway dud to a piece of comic surrealism.

    But I would never let any of my roommates know that.

    I refused to lean into their madness.

    They never seemed to worry about money and, like an Al Qaeda soldier in the mind of George W. Bush, I hated them for their freedom. They seemed to just absently float through existence on a cloud of inspiration, while I was riding my bike around Denver every winter’s day from 9 to 9 so I could walk dogs sporting collars worth more than my life for eight dollars an hour.

    After that, I could only squeeze in an hour or two of writing each night, with a space heater between my legs and a quickly drained box of Franzia on my desk, before I collapsed in a pile on my mouse-shit speckled floor. Their lives were a blank slate, an empty highway, or at least that’s the way I saw it. While I was the Horatio Alger go-getter with a heart of gold. All that Republican Party, Ayn Rand bullshit from my childhood was playing out in a passive aggressive roommate squabble, mostly of which only existed in my head.

    My resentment only solidified one frigid morning when I came downstairs to find Tina Turner smeared with blood. It was a 1969 photo of Turner performing on stage, shaking with preternatural madness as sequins shot out from her dress like exclamation points. I’d bought the poster in Omaha years earlier and had it framed.
    And now the frame was smashed.

    At some point the night before someone had gotten drunk and punched Ms. Turner. The glass was sprayed out from her face, the poster smeared with blood underneath.

    Again, I shamed the group at house meetings over the vandalism, but secretly adored the look of the thing. The blood and spider-webbed glass only intensified Tina’s explosive energy, not to mention the violent imagery being a provocative commentary on the domestic abuse she was enduring at the hands of Ike Turner when the photo was taken.

    But still I fabricated stories about my mother singing me Tina Turner songs as a child, and that this framed poster was a gift from her at my going away party when I left Iowa. Ever since Mom died from pancreatic cancer last Easter, I said during one house meeting, the only thing that brought me comfort was looking at this picture of Tina Turner.

    So whoever punched Tina essentially punched my dead mother, I told my roommates.

    After that, I had to quickly leave the room whenever my Mom would call.

    Our landlord eventually had the property foreclosed on him, and we were given the boot by the bank. The Tina Turner painting had been sacrificed in the fireplace weeks earlier, after one roommate had consumed a pint of Morning Glory seed tea, covered himself in Papua New Guinea tribal paint designs, and sang “What’s Love Got To Do With It” while wiggling his fingers above the smoldering poster.

    But I managed to keep the lobster claw painting.

    Eight years later it still hangs in my living room.

    I keep it as a reminder to try and lean into the madness.

    A ghostly memo from the past, bringing me comfort in the knowledge that life’s chaos will often bring pain and the need for sympathy, but if you can just manage to keep your mouth shut and ride out that pain, there may be a badass lobster claw painting waiting for you on the other side.

     

     

    Author of psychological horror novel Carnality: Dancing on Red Lake, and regular contributor to VICE and The Guardian, Hesse aims to blend journalism and the arts within the pages of Suspect Press, making it both a reflection of our time and an innovative force of creativity. He will be releasing the second book in his series, Carnality: Sebastian Phoenix and the Dark Star, in August 2018.
    Contact: josiah@suspectpress.com, josiahhesse.com & @JosiahMHesse