I am terrified of puppies, can you help me? Whenever I see their fluffy tails wagging, those maniacal eyes wide as they strain against the leash, desperate to sink their sharp-as-glass teeth into my shoelaces, I nearly faint with terror. Ever since that afternoon when I was a boy, when my brother covered me in peanut butter and unleashed three litters of eight week old St Bernards on me, trampling my young body with their furry frames, eighteen tiny tongues feverishly licking me up and down, I’ve been unable to see puppies as anything other than bloodthirsty monsters, not unlike the Alien facehugger or rabid piranhas. I actually like older dogs. Cats, too. And I adore squirrels. Though I’ve recently started dating someone with a new puppy and want to be free of this affliction. Suspect Press, can you help me?
Sincerely,
Pilgrim Billy
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,Editors Dear
Dear Editors,
This is the ghost of David Foster Wallace*, and I wanted to talk to you a bit about the experience of being a ghost*. Being a ghost has reminded me that our experiences are less determined by our search for objectivity*, and more so by our personal, active relationship with the world.
*Author of Infinite Jest**
*The idea of writing about objectivity is kind of an absurd premise in and of itself, as to make a concrete statement in written form, possibly never to be edited, is in itself to deny the ideas of objectivity.
*By ghost*** I do not so much mean a spooky entity in a white sheet, as much as the lingering presence of what once was.
**If you’ve not heard of Infinite Jest, just ask any white dude at a coffee shop about it. They’d love to tell you about how good the first third of it is, and how they are planning to finish reading it after they get through Chuck Klosterman.
***To be a ghost feels as if to be an extra in a movie that no one ever sees. A box of cereal hidden in the back of the freezer section**** of the grocery store, where we all fail to truly connect with the people around us.
****Freezers and refrigeration were built and sold by General Electric, as a freezer runs 24/7 and uses a substantial amount of electricity to run, thus creating a new industry for profit for GE.
I’d love to hear your opinions on the subject.
Thank you*,
David Foster Wallace
*By you, I mean the objective you, though that may be tainted by time, by experience, or by any number of unseen factors that I am not at liberty to have influence over, especially because I am in fact, a ghost now.
Dear Editors,
Excellent choice bringing Brice Maiurro on as your Poetry Editor. He is an incredible and humble man and pretty much the coolest person I have ever met. He is just wonderful. I would sincerely consider submitting odes on how much I love Brice Maiurro to your magazine. He is a real gem. Did I say he’s the coolest person? He is the coolest person. Super good choice. A plus.
Sincerely,
Not Brice Maiurro
Dear Editors,
I was excited to see your story last issue on Rhinoceropolis because finally! The coverage that rhinoceros deserve. They are such beautiful creatures that move with such grace and poise, elegantly splashing around in mud pits and grunting majestically like the dainty, delicate brutes they are. So you can imagine my dismay when I tore open the magazine only to discover that the story in fact had nothing to do with the kings of the floodplains but rather dove into a story of a kitschy, crust-punk warehouse that I assume is filled with skaters ditching school to graffiti some boards. Do what you do best, and stick to animal coverage.
Sincerely,
Ryan O. Ceras
