Category: Issue #25

  • Summer/2020 Letters to the Editor

    Summer/2020 Letters to the Editor

    Previous Issue: #25


    Dear Suspect Press,
    I want to know if you all want some CBD treats. Also, what’s like your magazine’s manifesto? You can tell me if you like CBD treats, then like you guys can pay to advertise with us. That sound good?

    -Chloe

    Hey You,
    Are you all looking for a trained guard? I see you all live downtown and I know it can be dangerous but I could help protect you all. I’m guessing since you put together an arts magazine that you all are kind of wimpy and could use some protection. Don’t worry, I won’t judge you. I’m 35 and spent the last 25 years learning all sorts of martial arts. I know: Krav Maga, Jujitsu (Brazillian and the asian kind), Karate, Taekwondo, and Kung-Fu. I know how to knock out a 250 lbs dude in 10 seconds flat with a flying drop-kick. I can punch a hole through a 2-inch wood panel and dent a metal car. I’m not exaggerating or joking! I can come by and show you all if you want. Or, if you want me to be more stealthy, I could surprise attack you all when I track you throughout the city. Just let me know. Oh, also I’m a vegetarian.

    -Joseph Mikels

    Dear Editors,
    I have opinions about art, and I’m not sure what to do with them. Are they worth money? I know that art is worth money because I know someone who bought some art. He told me that art is about ideas. If ideas are worth money, then surely ideas about ideas must be worth something? And what about social media? I’m told people have opinions on social media all the time. Why would they spend their time writing all those opinions if they weren’t getting paid? I’ve also heard that time is money. So if I take the time to have opinions, shouldn’t I get some money out of it? I guess what I’m saying is, please tell me what to do with my time and opinions.

    -Turner Blanchard, Esq.

    Dear Suspect Press, 

    Oh boy did I really dook my cruisers on this one. I know this is going to sound crazy, but I have accidentally locked myself in my bathroom. I’m really starting to panic here. It all started after I finished doing my business. I tenderly washed my hands and then reached to the doorknob, but when I turned the handle I couldn’t get it to open. Turns out I had just forgotten that I had locked it. That was my first big mistake. So I unlocked it. Then I again tried to open the door but it wouldn’t budge. Oh that’s right I forgot about the padlock. I’m starting to get into some real trouble now. So I got rid of the padlock. Then when I went to open the door again the whole ding dang doorknob just came right out of the door. My palms we’re getting sweaty, and I needed time to think. I realized that maybe I would be able to problem solve a little better if I wasn’t so dang hungry. So I ordered a pizza. I had the delivery guy come around the back of my place. I live on the second floor, so I had to have him frisbee that golden baby right up to me. Worked like a god dang charm. After I ate the pizza I hurled my body at the bathroom door over and over again for about a half an hour, but then my neighbor told me to keep it down. I’m sending this message to you via carrier pigeon. I was lucky that I was able to flag one down. I’m starting to run out of options here, and I’m getting really worried. If you could come over to my place, and maybe try opening the door from the other side that might work? I dunno I’m just spitballing ideas here. 

    Sincerely, 
    Jacob Tyler Fairly 

    PS I am very afraid of the coronavirus.

  • How to Get Paid: Tools You Can Use Today

    How to Get Paid: Tools You Can Use Today

    By Paul Bindel

    Paul Bindel Illustration
    Art by Lonnie MF Allen

    For centuries, creative people have often wondered—mostly in their own minds— “Am I really an artist? A writer? A musician? Or merely someone who makes art, writes, or plays music?”

    We can easily settle this debate. You know you’ve really made it if anyone has ever asked you to create for “exposure” or if you’ve ever had a patron ignore your notices about late payment for creative work you’ve already completed. Congrats!

    Is that a sadistic way to define an artist? Only if it weren’t true. As many an artist can attest, tens of thousands of clients, patrons and publishers are ready and willing to undervalue your work. (Cue the #notallpatrons crowd.) It’s so common that Jessica Hische has made a playful infographic, which you can find at shouldiworkforfree.com. Spoiler alert: no, you shouldn’t.

    While there are many aspects to a healthy client/artist relationship—efficiency, scope of work, collaboration, meeting client goals—payment and the agreements around it should remain a top priority. It’s your bottom line. Here are offensive, defensive and preventative tactics to ensure that you take home what you’ve earned.

    Nonfiction writer Scott Carney has seen both tricky and terrible when it comes to publishers. He recently pulled out of a six-figure book deal with Random House when his publishers didn’t respect his creative process. “A lot of freelancers feel like they don’t have any options,” he says. “You have to use whatever tool you can.”

    After publishing several best-selling books and countless magazine articles with Wired, Mother Jones, and Playboy, Carney has developed effective—if sometimes curt—tactics in dealing with clients who pay late, or for less than the agreed-upon price.

    Carney underscores that slighted creatives shouldn’t hesitate to take action. “Always be escalating,” he says. “Many freelancers feel like their relationships with the client is sacred, and if the client is treating them badly, they need to do better in some way and they’ll never have a client again. My take is that if you have a shitty client, you don’t want to work with them. You need to return the energy they give you.”

    When dealing with a late-paying client, the first step is the infamous reminder email: short and dispassionate usually does the trick. When gentle reminders don’t work, however, Carney adds a daily late fee of $100 to the invoice balance to escalate the process. No publication has yet to pay the late fees, but each of them have, finally, paid the invoice.

    To add external pressure, you may consider hiring a lawyer or debt collector. While many creatives might believe that hiring a lawyer is out of reach, sometimes all it takes is a sternly worded letter from an attorney for your clients to take action. Additionally, some lawyers are willing to work on contingency, meaning they won’t be paid until after your case wins. A debt collector may be a suitable choice if a client owes you a large amount, but be aware that they will take a cut.

    Local musician Jesse Mathews remembers negotiating one of his first gigs at The Aggie in Fort Collins. Over a text the promoter had promised “a cut of ALL ticket sales from the concert on top of a small guarantee,” Mathews recalls. This arrangement motivated the band to sell 50 tickets just on their own. When it was time to pay up, the band earned a measly $300—a cut of only the tickets they had sold, not all the tickets. Mathews now knows this arrangement to be a common industry practice, but that didn’t help him then, after the promoter’s texts had led him to believe otherwise. “I had to give my cut plus more out of my pocket to our trombone player,” he says, “and a few bucks each to the rest of my band, who were visibly disappointed after I had been led to hype them up about our profit for the evening.”

    Many stories like Jesse’s start with fuzzy agreements: “I didn’t get it in writing,” “I thought we were friends,” “I understood I would be paid.” While we want to give clients, patrons and publishers the benefit of the doubt, the first step toward clarity is laying out who will do what, by when, and spelling out what happens if any of those fail to happen.

    Painter and owner of Afro Triangle Designs, Adri Norris, swears by Tad Crawford’s “Business and Legal Forms” series. “Ever since getting that book and always making sure to do a contract, I’ve gotten paid every time.” In addition to contracts, Norris uses a range of payment processes—half payment up front, accepting online payments and milestone payments—to build trust and protect her work. Even the final payment may need protective measures, Norris explains. “Especially with products, whether physical or digital, I don’t deliver until I get paid.”

    But what if your defense against the dark arts isn’t strong enough? Even with a contract, my copywriting clients have gotten behind on payments and in one instance, ended our agreement prematurely due to cashflow issues. Not getting paid can feel annoying, infuriating and even hopeless.

    Ultimately, having positive, healthy client relationships requires careful evaluation from the jump. Lincoln Young hasn’t had any significant payment issues in 12+ years as a graphic designer and owner of Swell Creative. He credits that in part to avoiding red flags in the discovery phase.

    For instance, Young is very careful to avoid clients who micromanage: “Clients who allow me to do what I’m good at and, in turn, spend their time doing what they’re good at end up with the best results. And, of course, if their teenage neighbor has ‘insight’, we’re probably not a good match.” Young also uses up-front billing in order to protect himself, and he’s only had late payments a few times in his twelve-year career. “Once I’ve worked with a client for a while and there’s mutual trust,” he says, “we can move into a more regular monthly billing process.”

    Client relationships characterized by mutual respect, understanding and trust take time to build. And walking away from prospective clients who might not be a good fit isn’t always easy—especially if you need to make money quickly. If you’re feeling stuck, remember to account for the total costs of a client relationship—not just a one-time chance to make money. Every client relationship also involves your energy, your time and your emotions, and it’s as important to protect those as it is to bring home a paycheck.



    Originally from rural New Mexico, Paul Bindel spent five years teaching writing before transitioning full time into marketing at Doghead Creative, a digital marketing firm that specializes in content writing, strategy and social media.


  • Business Resources for Creative Entrepreneurs

    Business Resources for Creative Entrepreneurs

    By Paul Bindel

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    Love or hate resolutions, now is the time most of the Western world pauses to plan and reflect. What will your next step be?
    Whether you need peers to push you deeper into your craft or you want to finally write a business plan, use this list as a springboard for action. Think of the people you know who put off doing that one thing that could take their creative work to the next level. Do you want to be them? Then do your thing!

    Get Inspired & Connected

    Denver Metro has many networking groups and masterminds. What sets the list below apart from your everyday mixer is that each of them feature a skills-based workshop or inspirational talk to help you learn new things-in this case, with other people!

    1 Million Cups,
    Enterprise Coworking, 3000 Lawrence St.

    Each Wednesday morning, entrepreneurs gather and listen to 6-min pitches from the local community. Aside from the ever-flowing coffee, the best part is the 20-min Q&A that follows each pitch.

    Creative Mornings Denver, Location varies
    This monthly caffeine-fueled happy hour features networking and an inspiring speaker, by and for creatives. Grab your tickets early because these free events usually sell out. Be on the lookout for evening happy hours as well.

    Consultants For Good, Location varies
    Part networking, part put-it-into-practice, this monthly a.m. series hosted by Lauren Andraski is essentially a free professional development session for freelancers or business owners with a vision for social change. Do you work for arts nonprofits or social enterprises? This is your jam!

    Ladies, Wine & Design, Location varies
    Once a month, badass women in design gather and connect. This multi-city event, originally started by Jessica Walsh, seeks to increase the number of women who spearhead design agencies, so find your people, whether you work in fashion design, product design, graphic design or architecture.

    Denver Metro Small Business Development Center, 445 Market St.
    If you’ve never been to an SBDC office, now is the time to get over that fear. You already pay for this service through your taxes—why not take advantage of their courses, free consulting and pitch competitions? With an approachable culture and offices next door to the Denver Metro Chamber of Commerce, you can meet or get an introduction to pretty much anyone you need to meet in the local business community.

    RiNoMade Salons
    Converge Denver, 3327 Brighton Blvd.

    The Denver Public Library and RiNo Art District have teamed up for monthly workshops for creative entrepreneurs. Learn how to introduce your business or how to set up a business budget or other lessons they didn’t teach you in school.

    Level Up

    Most of us didn’t get an MBA, so these business and leadership courses could provide essential information so that you can earn more money, find new customers or finally understand a balance sheet. If you feel uncomfortable at the thought of a business course, that might be all the more reason to step towards it. Embracing discomfort is how you grow!

    Rocky Mountain MicroFinance Institute, Re/Launch $150-400 (sliding scale)
    Plenty of businesses have made money without a business plan, but writing one ensures that you understand every part of your business and how to keep it running healthy. This 12-week bootcamp, designed for early stage entrepreneurs, includes one-on-one mentorship and culminates in the option of a microloan to help you grow.

    Denver Metro SBDC, Leading Edge for Entrepreneurs
    $550-695 (scholarships available)

    This 10-week course will help you write a business plan, and it will connect you in a huge way to all of the resources of the Small Business Development Center. (Psst—Arts & Venues offers a 50% scholarship to creative businesses. Also, if you attend an info session, you might even score a discount on tuition!)

    The Commons on Champa, CO. Starters $250
    Testing an idea? Ready to launch? The Commons hosts events every day—many of them free, so take a moment to explore their calendar and pathways. The CO.Starters program is a 9-week program designed to help you grow, but you could also benefit from their two-day Business Bootcamp ($200, scholarships available) or even the Resource Navigator, a free online resource.

    Creative Startups, Accelerator $895
    The business accelerator that launched Meow Wolf also had two Denver alumni in 2018—GoodCinema and Futures United Network (FUN). Everything about this 10-week program is specifically calibrated for artists and creatives. Each cohort kicks off with five days in Albuquerque, NM (lodging and food included) and features a yearlong mentorship program.

    Colorado Business Community for the Arts, Leadership Arts $1,500-2,200 (scholarships available)
    The only Denver Metro leadership academy focused specifically on arts and culture, this 9-month program (Sept-May) promises to equip its 50 participants with the skills they need to serve on nonprofit boards. While it’s easy to balk at the price, you can write tuition off, and the networking aspect of this program could ultimately lead to sales much greater than the fee.


    Originally from rural New Mexico, Paul Bindel spent five years teaching writing before transitioning full time into marketing at Doghead Creative, a digital marketing firm that specializes in content writing, strategy and social media.

  • Babelord

    Babelord

    by Lonnie MF Allen & Babelord


    Lonnie MF Allen made his start in comics in the ’90s DIY zine culture. Since then, his work has appeared in The Westword, Birdy, and Out Front magazine. He has done comic book writing for Image Comics, and was named one of Westword’s “100 Colorado Creatives.” He has won a DiNKy award for the best Colorado Comic, and was called one of the best cartoonists around by the Denver Post. He regularly illustrates for the Colorado Sun and both illustrates and art directs for Suspect Press. His latest project, Chrome Seoul is a Korean cyberpunk comic book series.


    The Babelord Project (affectionately known as Babecorp™) is a fledgling Denver multimedia artist collective. Centered around the music created by Babelord, an alien princess from the planet Galactar, the project hinges on a surrounding narrative told through video, staged productions, milk cartons and whatever else we can get our mitts on. In 2019, Babelord released her first batch of singles and music videos, along with a slew of other narrative video and photos. Babelord continues to pursue her mission of advancing our race through emotional transcendence, in hopes that humans will one day be welcomed into the intergalactic community.
    Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/artist/6NerlSdkW1ro4l5Ng7fohI
    Instagram: @babelord.tv
    Bandcamp:  https://babelord.bandcamp.com/
    youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCJoUDGAjuGuxu4mNGUNEtow

  • Excerpt from “The Cats of Ostia Antica”

    Excerpt from “The Cats of Ostia Antica”

    by Julian Brier


    If you take a sneak peek at Julian Brier’s debut graphic novel “The Cats of Ostia Antica,” it’s abundantly clear that he has a strange obsession with cats and death. After 2 ½ years of cutting up dead bodies in a medical facility, a newfound fear of dying, and a vision in an ancient Roman ruin, he has turned his brush to the page and created his new book set for shelves early 2020 from Tinto Press. You can follow Julian and his work @Themaskmuseum.

  • Tarot Priest

    Tarot Priest

    by Mild_Hentai


    Local cartoonist based in Boulder. Anime influenced weirdo. His cat Onna is his closest confidant. His style is heavily influenced by surrealist artists and anime. Tarot priest is his latest piece in an upcoming collection of perverse perceptions of himself and those around him. 



  • Spooky Action at a Distance

    Spooky Action at a Distance

    by Jesse Livingston

    [dropcap]O[/dropcap]utside, it was a beautiful spring afternoon. Inside, the cat was floating about eighteen inches above the kitchen table. Kelly and I were standing in the kitchen, looking at the cat, wondering what to do.

    “Well,” said Kelly, “at least he doesn’t seem hurt or upset.”

    She was right. Sammy—the cat—looked slightly concerned perhaps, but I could have been imagining that. Assigning emotions to cats is a fool’s errand. His eyes were open a little wider than usual—maybe?—and there was a hapless quality to the way his paws hung down. 

    “Tell me again,” I said, “what happened?”

    Kelly folded her arms and regarded the cat.

    “I was washing the dishes from last night, and he jumped up on the table. I yelled at him, and he jumped in the air, and he just didn’t come down.”

    I frowned and looked at her, not fully comprehending.

    “Well, he’s not supposed to be on the table,” she said, as though this was the part of the story I was taking issue with.

    “So, you startled him, and he jumped, and he didn’t come down?”

    “Yes. I was just trying to put the fear of God into him. I didn’t mean to make him…” she trailed off, gesturing at whatever was happening above the table in front of us. Sammy gave her a look that was slightly pleading or possibly annoyed.

    “Did you try picking him up?” I asked.

    “I didn’t want to touch him in case that somehow made things worse.”

    “How would that make things worse?” I asked, genuinely curious.

    She shrugged. “Somehow.”

    I studied Sammy’s body. It was ever-so-slowly rotating.

    “He’s packed on a few pounds,” I said.

    “It’s the new Chicken Dinner cat food,” she said. “He loves it. He can’t get enough.”

    “Do you think this has something to do with the food?” I asked.

    “I can’t imagine how. I haven’t heard of this happening to anyone else’s cat.”

    “We should probably google it. Maybe it’s a new thing.” 

    Sammy was looking around the room as though expecting any moment to be somewhere else. 

    “Do you think it has something to do with magnetism?” Kelly said thoughtfully, leaning forward and peering down her nose at him.

    “I don’t think cats are magnetic,” I said. “Not unless they’re wearing something metal. He doesn’t even have his collar on.”

    “What happened to his collar?”

    Sammy now wore a plaintive look. It was the kind of look I’d usually seen on dogs when they were playing for sympathy. I wondered if Sammy was somehow orchestrating this whole thing in a bid for attention.

    “Well, we haven’t been home as much lately,” I said. “He must’ve slipped it off one day while we were gone and we just didn’t notice.”

    “Poor Sammy,” said Kelly, reaching out and scratching the side of his face. Sammy stuck his chin out and closed his eyes. He looked content, and I wondered if maybe I had been projecting my own emotions onto him earlier. Was I doing that now? I wondered how much of my life I’d spent guessing at the feelings of others. Had I ever really understood what someone else was feeling? I suppose they could tell me what they were feeling, but did they really understand it themselves? Aren’t we all just confused and frustrated wrinkles in the humming void of existence?

    “What?” said Kelly.

    “Huh?” Snapping out of my reverie, I wasn’t sure if I’d said “void wrinkles” out loud. Sammy was looking at me with what might have been disapproval.

    “Should we try to move him?” she asked. “Or do you think that’s a bad idea?”

    “I dunno. I guess we’ll have to sooner or later.”

    Kelly poked at Sammy’s stomach to see if she could make him stop rotating. His head was starting to disappear behind the bulk of his body, and he was craning his neck to try and maintain eye contact with us. 

    “Do you think it’s some kind of time-travel thing?” she asked.

    “I don’t think so,” I said. “He doesn’t appear to be moving through time, except at the usual rate. I think we’d see him in slow motion or fast motion if he was time-traveling.”

    “Maybe we’re time-traveling with him,” she said.

    I couldn’t refute this. I stood watching as she prodded his belly, which was definitely getting a bit plump. I could see fewer chicken dinners in Sammy’s future.

    Outside, people scurried here and there, perhaps time-traveling at different velocities relative to one another, perhaps not. Dogs tried to understand things in trees, worms carved intricate pathways beneath the city to further their unknowable schemes, and the universe continued to try and hide from itself.

    “Well,” said Kelly, “if we can’t get him down by tonight, I’ll call the vet in the morning.”

    This seemed like a great idea. Few things can cheer you up like handing responsibility for your problems over to someone else.


    Jesse Livingston is a filmmaker and musician born and raised in Denver. His fiction has appeared in audio magazines such as Pseudopod and The Drabblecast. His band The Far Stairs can be found at thefarstairs.com, and his film The Blue Room is at blueroomhorrorfilm.com.

  • Vine Eyes

    Vine Eyes

    by Sandi Calistro


    Sandi Calistro is a painter and tattoo artist who has been working in Denver for the past 13 years. She’s currently tattooing at Ritual Tattoo in Sunnyside. She has completed a number of murals in the city and has one solo art show a year.



  • Cheap Shot

    Cheap Shot

    by Fred Stonehouse


    Fred Stonehouse was born in 1960 in Milwaukee, WI. He received his BFA from UW Milwaukee in 1982. He had his first solo show in Chicago in 1983 and shows regularly in New York at Howard Scott Gallery and in Los Angeles with Koplin/DelRio. He has exhibited in Mexico, Amsterdam, Rome, and Berlin. He has been the recipient of an NEA Arts Midwest Grant and the Joan Mitchell Foundation Individual Artists Grant. He is currently an Associate Professor of Painting and Drawing at the University of Wisconsin.

  • Dharma Cums

    Dharma Cums

    by Matt Clifford

    “And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words.”  -Matthew 6:5-7

    The door to my room was closed I was in the dark under a blanket yet his face wasn’t in my orgasm this morning maybe I should have said oh my God once at the perfect moment. I thought about my lover. I’m coming again to the place where I started, considering eternity and not going to sleep. It is the body’s instinct to rest after output. I miss her too much so I write. I did not see the face of God in my breakfast this morning. I eat a banana on the way to work and an apple once I am there.

    I did not see the face of God at work. Render unto Caesar what is Caesar’s. I told a man he owed the IRS sixteen thousand dollars. He said he would pay it. 

    The door to the bathroom was locked the toilet seat was down and the lights stayed on yet his face wasn’t in my orgasm this afternoon I said oh my God once but not loud enough for anyone to hear. I thought about my lover’s fingers. I’m returning to the computer that keeps me, considering fate and yawning. It is the mind’s instinct to resist its input. I miss myself too much so I think. I did not see the face of God in myself. I have doubted my patterns.

    I think I passed the face of God driving in traffic this evening the radio was loud.

    The top of the bottle was open so the angel could have their share. I passed it to my lover she took a sip said oh my god we kissed. I took another and another and missed the wedding where the faces of God’s believers were. I do not trust the things they know. They know something I don’t. I knew them once and I miss them and I will never know them again. I did not see the face of God when she was talking me home because I was passed out in the backseat. We never even opened the second bottle.

    I did not see the face of God in the orgasm I did not have tonight.

    The door to my face was closed I was in a dream where I had done something wrong something very very wrong nobody would tell me what a normal human being would never forget doing something like that something very very wrong like that it felt like all the conditions I ever felt at once I said my God my God why have you forsaken me what have I done? I could hear God’s laughter but not see the face it was coming from.

    I woke up hysterical as a baby natural in a godless vision with my mouth moving.


    Matt Clifford has punk rock books and a poetry band: www.blackmarkettranslation.rocks 😉 www.mattclifford.org. Punketry is every second Tuesday at Mutiny Information Cafe.

  • Fucking Flowers

    Fucking Flowers

    by Jane Ripley

    Fucking flowers in Spring.
    Fucking flower patterns on dresses.

    I long for darkness
    Noir films and Goth kids
    Swaddled in black.

    I long for my Mother’s dark 
    Sense of humor
    As we laugh while watching “Psycho.”

    I want to listen to Joy Division on vinyl.
    Release my misanthropic nonparticipating self
    Seal the blinds and contemplate next-to-nothing.

    Fuck the fucking tulips. 
    Hurl the hollyhocks.
    Damn the daisies.
    How I hate the douche bag day lilies.

    Let’s all pretend it’s winter 
    When the bulbs are in the ground.

    I crush the daffodils with my feet
    And shred the peonies with my nails.

    Fuck the flowers
    Fuck the flowers
    All of them.


    Jane Ripley graduated from Columbia College in Chicago, IL in 1993. She was a featured reader at the “Don’t Yell at Me” reading, circa 2017. Her poetry chapbook, Hot Dog Soup, is in its second printing. She lives in Lyons, CO with her cat Renegade.

  • Winter/2020 Letters to the Editor

    Winter/2020 Letters to the Editor

    Previous Issue: #24


    Dear Editors,
    I wanted to take some time to tell you what a big fan of Philip Tran I am. He is an incredible and humble man and pretty much the coolest person I have ever met. He is just wonderful. I would sincerely consider submitting odes to your magazine on how much I love Philip Tran. He is a real gem. Did I say he’s the coolest person? He is the coolest person. A plus.

    Sincerely,
    –Not Philip Tran

    Dear Madam Speaker:
    I write to express my strongest and most powerful protest against the Suspect Press crusade being pursued by the Editors in the House of Denver Representatives. This magazine represents an unprecedented and unconstitutional abuse of power by local queer pagan hipsters, unequaled in nearly two and a half centuries of American literature history.
    I have no doubt the American people will hold you and your hipster friends fully responsible in the upcoming year. They will not soon forgive your perversion of justice and abuse of power.
    One hundred years from now, when people look back at this magazine, I want them to understand it, and learn from it so that it can never again be read by another racist, homophobic, transphobic, xenophobic, misogynist, bigot President again.

    Sincerely yours,
    D.J.T.

    Dear Suspect Press,
    I just wanted to let you know that I really enjoy your mag. My favorite thing to do is to scour it so I can friend your contributors on social media. I’m wondering if you all could make sure to put EVERY ONE of your contributors’ images in the magazine. I mean, eventually, I can find out what they look like when I search their names on social media, but sometimes it takes me a bit to find out who it is exactly. I’m just saying it would save me a lot of time trying to figure out who’s hot or not so I can ask them out or at least stalk them. I mean you all have some really hot contributors, it’s so much better than using all those shallow dating apps. Those people are such fakes. Whereas in your mag, I can totally tell these are really real people making art and shit. Anyways, thanks so much again, and consider what I’m asking.

    – Brenden McKenzie

    From the editor: We have and NO. Please don’t do this, people. Yes, be excited for our creators creating, but don’t use this magazine in lieu of a dating scheme.

    Dear Suspect Press, 
    This is my friend’s favorite magazine ever, like he fucking loves it—counts down the year in quarters loves it.  He’s the best guy ever, so I thought I’d write him a little something something for his birthday to show how much I care and tell you a little bit about your number one fan.
    You can bet your bottom dollar there have been a lot of big Dicks in this world, and little ones too.  Yeah, there’s been fat ones, skinny ones, white ones, black ones, Jewish ones, Christian ones, old ones, young ones, The list goes on and on, it’s pretty much Dicks for days. Everyone’s wife/husband or girlfriend/boyfriend have had a few Dicks in their lives, some probably more than others. Just the other day my friend Ray’s girlfriend said she was in a room full of Dicks. She literally said, “Dicks were everywhere. ”  I imagined them in a circle around her.  
    There was even some famous Dicks, like Dicks that sang and danced, Dicks that played guitar really well, Dicks that acted and won academy awards.  There’s been King Dicks and Dicks that play sports with balls, all sorts of Dicks. At one point, we even let a Dick run the country.   
    Anyways my point is there are all sorts of Dicks out there; different shapes, sizes, and temperaments.  But dearest Suspect Press, my seven-foot, three-hundred and twenty pound friend Richard is by far the biggest and best Dick I know. Happy Birthday big man!

    Thanks!
    A best friend

    Dear Suspect Press, 
    Digging through a Denver trashcan for some dinner I found your magazine and noticed you also have a publishing house, which is just perfect for me.  I wrote a new novel and here’s the pitch. It’s a working title, but for now it’s called We’re in Trouble Now, and it goes like this.
    In a place far away from earth there existed two planets, Gotta-lotia (Got-A-Lot-ea) and Diddly (Ain’t got shit).  One planet, Gottalotia, had loads of resources; so much that they shared them with the Diddlyans. In fact, over time the Diddlyans asked if they could come help settle Gottalotia, and the Gottalotians said sure! And things were like that for centuries.  
    Until one day a group of Gottalotians decided they didn’t like Diddlyans anymore, in fact they fucking despised them.  Diddlyans caused problems and didn’t pay their taxes, took jobs from Gottalotians, and such. The group called themselves the New Gottalotians and they believed all Diddlyans should be kicked out of Gottalotia and began deporting them.  Oddly enough after all the Diddlyans were gone, the New Gottaltians started disliking other Gottalians, and soon enough the planet plunged into civil war. And so the cycle repeated, over and over, generation after generation of death and destruction until eventually Gottalotia was no longer a nice place to live, all of its resources used up.  In the end what was left of the population were forced to abandon their war torn planet and move to Diddly, where the recently formed Republic of Diddlyans were waiting. 

    –Kilgore Trout.